Dear EFT Community,
Trust is an important part of a healthy sexual relationship, that is, one based on honesty and willingness to be open. Certified EFT practitioner Nancy Morris writes about her work with a client on her mistrust of her husband.
- EFT Universe
By Nancy Morris, EFT INT-1
This is a combination of writings by my client, who we'll call "Jill," and comments by me about how we approached resolving her problem using EFT.
"Before I contacted Nancy Morris, I was a complete emotional wreck. I was having panic attacks on a near daily basis that were unfounded. These panic attacks and crying sessions started putting strain on my marriage and on my own health. I knew I was WAY over my head and that I needed to get some help...FAST.
After almost 6 years of marriage I began having anxiety that my husband was masturbating rather than wanting to make love to me.
I knew consciously this was completely silly, yet my mind could not get over this concern. I started searching for "clues" that he had masturbated and it turned my life upside-down. Anytime he would use the bathroom, I would start panicking. Finally I had to tell him what was going on and it was not only embarrassing, but one of the hardest problems I have had to deal with emotionally.
I must admit that I was skeptical that EFT could help me "get over" these intense feelings I had about my husband masturbating. However, I had done EFT in the past for a sexual trauma in my teenage years with noticeable improvement, so I wanted to try EFT with my new problem as well. After all what did I have to lose?
During our First Session, Jill was very nervous and we used EFT to calm her. We then worked on specific events that she remembered from her childhood and a family that was strict and religious.
One event especially held a lot of intensity for Jill: She confided that as a teenager she had been forced to have sex by an older relative.
There were many aspects to address from this event.
She felt betrayed because he'd been her friend, he was a relative which made it "not normal", and it involved being forced to give oral sex. In addition, as is very common, she realized that she loved the attention he gave her and how special he'd made her feel prior to this violation; she wanted to feel loved and he took advantage.
"Talking to Nancy the first time I was so nervous, but she has a way of calming you and making you smile and laugh. I knew right away she was a good match for me. We connected very well on the phone, which admittedly I have trouble with sometimes."
At our Second Session, we addressed Jill's feeling of not deserving love and pleasure because of what had happened to her as a teen. Because of physical problems, Jill had been uninterested in sex for quite a while and felt guilty about that.
She had given her husband the OK to satisfy himself but now she realized she was obsessed with whether he was doing it, when, where, how often, etc. She also admitted that she was afraid she was not enough for her husband and felt guilty for not completely satisfying him.
In our Third Session, we worked on clearing her intense reaction when she thought her husband might be masturbating in the shower. I gave Jill EFT tapping homework after each appointment and this time I added a suggestion that she spend 15 minutes by herself behind closed doors doing something sensual.
A bath, putting on lotion, etc.
"After the first few sessions with Nancy, I realized that these feelings actually had nothing to do with my husband and were in fact my insecurities about myself.
We uncovered that after all of those years of marriage, I had neglected to give myself time for ME. I was handing out a lot to my husband, but never took the time to see what I needed. Whether it be a relaxing bath, a trip to the mall or some alone time with my own body."
At Session Four Jill said it had been "surprisingly more difficult" than she'd thought to take that 15 minutes for herself but she wanted to slow down and become more aware of herself.
Aspects of this we worked on were: feeling selfish, difficulty just closing the door and separating herself from her husband, her impatience with herself, feeling sneaky and dishonest keeping anything from her husband.
Jill realized she had a belief that "your spouse should meet all your needs" which put a lot of pressure on Jill as well as on her husband.
Her EFT homework was to tap on:
“Even though I'm hard on myself, I'd like to be kind and compassionate.”
During Sessions Five and Six we covered the following--
Specific events from her past that made her feel she had to be perfect. Body image issues. ;How to develop some independence from her husband and make friends and create interests of her own. Accepting her emotions/her feeling self.
Accepting the mistakes she's made; accepting that, like all of us, she'll make more mistakes in the future and that's OK! Forgiving herself for having a low libido when she wasn't feeling well. Forgiving herself for an eating disorder that may have caused health problems.
I continued to assign EFT tapping homework as well as practical exercises such as doing a visual inventory of her body and noticing what comes up; doing a tactile inventory of her body and noticing how she felt touching different parts of herself.
Jill did her homework and was great about reporting back her responses and resistance which was an excellent guide for us to know what to work on next.
"After 6 sessions, I am no longer having panic attacks when my husband wants to use the bathroom. I am now paying more attention to my own needs and making sure I take time out for myself away from my husband. I have even asked my husband to just leave the house for an hour so I can have some time to myself to relax and think.
This is especially important since we both work out of the house and we see each other all the time.
There were many, many other aspects to these problems that I never would have even thought about if it weren't for Nancy guiding me along the way. EFT is a great tool on your own, but I think sometimes you need an expert to guide you through what to tap on. I would highly recommend Nancy Morris if you are having any trouble.
She was very intuitive and often times I'd have to stop her mid-tap and say, 'How did you know that's what I was thinking?' She's absolutely amazing and can't say enough about the sessions I spent with her. In the future I won't hesitate to call her if anything new comes up."