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Feelings of Abandonment, Sadness, Worthlessness Disappear with EFT
EFT helps Jenny Johnston's client move quickly from seemingly overwhelming feelings of abandonment to smiling and looking forward to an exciting new life.
By Jenny Johnston
EFT Case Study – Sally
Feelings of abandonment, sadness, worthlessness.
Client History – Sally, (not her real name), is a 48 year old cook with 2 adult children who do not live with her. Her husband left her 2 and a half years ago (which surprised her, her friends and her family – no-one saw it coming) and her father left when she was 5 years old. She lives alone and has a history of drinking one and a half bottles of wine a day and smokes marijuana daily (since her husband left her). She came to me wanting to rid herself of her x-husband memories that haunted her daily and made her cry.
Rapport/What to expect – Sally had found my brochure on a noticeboard at a local Post Office and rang me the week before the appointment. I explained on the phone how EFT would benefit her from the emotionally charged memories and feelings she was experiencing about her husband leaving, which led to her wine drinking and smoking.
When she arrived, I smiled and offered her a chair and a drink of water and asked her to complete my ‘Confidential Client Information’ Form. I also completed her genogram, which told me a lot about her family background (as explained in client history) and I completed a “Luscher Colour Assessment” with her also, which told me that she wanted change, had difficulty with a relationship and had had heartbreak in the past. It also said that she wanted happiness, joy and energy in her life but was stopped because of a lack of peace around her physical self, the body, the home, feeling grounded. (She felt that to be all very accurate).
I explained to her a little about how EFT works (the science of it) and gave her examples of how it had worked on past clients who had similar issues and on Vietnam Veterans, who had been able to take the emotional charge and accompanying physical symptoms out of their war memories. She was keen to get started. I began by showing her all the meridian points and by telling her that when we tapped, she was to follow me and say what I say but to change what I was saying if she wanted to make it more real/true for her. I asked her to notice what thoughts, feelings and memories came up for her and their intensity, as we tapped so that we could discuss them at the end of the tapping rounds.
EFT Session – I asked Sally what emotions she was feeling at the moment and to rate them out of 10. She replied - Abandonment (10/10), Sadness (8/10) and Worthlessness (9/10).
We began with abandonment (as it was the highest), however, I explained to her that they were all probably linked and that as we worked on one, she may find that the others come down in intensity too (generalisation). When I asked where she felt ‘abandonment’, she replied in her head, chest and shoulders. I asked her to describe what colour and shape it had, if it had a colour and a shape. She described it as a heavy, dark purple blob.
So we began tapping generally on ‘abandonment’ by doing a few rounds of –
CC Point - Even though I have this dark purple, heavy blob of abandonment in my head, chest and shoulders, I deeply and completely love and accept myself x3.
Then reminder phrases –
This dark purple, heavy blob of abandonment in my head, chest and shoulders,
I’m willing to look at how it got there now,
It’s time I look at this abandonment issue once and for all and deal with it so it no longer affects my life,
I choose to get to the bottom of it and find a positive outcome,
I choose to consider being able to release it.
After a few rounds, I asked her to take a deep breath, to rate her abandonment now (8/10) and to tell me what memories had come up for her. She said that she cries every second night thinking about her x-husband and when he left her. I asked her what was the strongest memory of abandonment in relation to her husband leaving her (getting more specific). She told me about the specifics of the night he told her he was leaving and that he didn’t love her anymore. I asked her to rate that specific memory – it was 10/10. I asked her to describe that memory to me in detail and to tell me where the crescendo of emotion was (it was when he said that he didn’t love her anymore). I asked her if she was feeling sadness and worthlessness with this memory too and she replied that all 3 were 10/10.
As I asked her to describe where each of these were in her body and their colour, it was not surprising to find that they were all in the head, chest, heart, shoulders and were similar colours. So we tapped a few rounds on these feelings, shapes, colours and emotions in the body and then went into the specifics of the Movie technique and that memory of when her husband left, telling her that he didn’t love her anymore.
CC Point - Even though my husband said that he doesn’t love me anymore and he left me and I didn’t see it coming and neither did anyone else, I deeply and completely love and accept myself anyhow.
Even though I feel this ‘I don’t love you anymore’ feeling in my head, heart and shoulders, I love and accept myself anyhow.
Even though my husband left me because he didn’t love me anymore and I made that mean that I’m worthless and abandoned, he left because he left and that’s all and I love and accept myself deeply and completely.
Reminder phrases –
My husband left me;
he said he didn’t love me anymore;
I didn’t see it coming;
it surprised everyone;
I couldn’t believe he was leaving me;
I was taken by surprise;
this surprised feeling of abandonment in my head, shoulders, heart and chest;
I feel abandoned and worthless;
this sad, abandoned feeling,
my husband left me;
I’m all alone;
this worthless, abandoned feeling,
this dark purple abandoned feeling when my husband left me,
when he said that he doesn’t love me;
it reminds me of when my Dad left me when I was 5;
why do people I love leave me;
this remaining feeling of being abandoned by my husband;
I made it mean that I was worthless;
my husband left because he left and HE didn’t love me anymore and I made it mean that I was abandoned and worthless;
this remaining, sad, worthless abandonment I decided to feel when my husband left.
I asked her to take a deep breath and drink some water and to describe abandonment, sadness, worthlessness in her body now and rate it again in relation to her husband leaving and saying that he didn’t love her anymore. She was smiling a little and said that abandonment, sadness and worthlessness was now down to 5/10 when thinking about her husband but now she was feeling abandoned, sad and worthless from her Dad leaving when she was 5 (Core Issue). (I decided to go straight to the Core Issue of her Dad leaving and to come back to her husband leaving her after as it would most likely come down in intensity from working on the core issue with her Dad.)
I asked her to rate these feelings in relation to her Dad and the memory of him leaving and they were all back up to 8/10 (Core issue). I asked her where she felt them in her body and she said that it was now a dark smoky grey colour in her ‘tummy’ (a 5 year old version of stomach).
So we began tapping on the Movie memory of her Dad leaving and her feelings of being abandoned and how her Mum had for years told them that their Dad abandoned them, tapping on the memories and the colours and feelings in her tummy. The feelings of abandonment, sadness and worthlessness were now down to 4/10 and I began to bring in re-frames to the following rounds such as,
Even though my Dad left me, he must have loved me to call me out to the car to say Goodbye; Even though my Dad left me, he gave us the best life he could by leaving as he was a gambler and a drinker and abused Mum and us (she offered this part);
My Dad loved me so much that he left me and my brother and sister and my Mum to give us a better life;
he loved us so much that he did the best thing he could for us by leaving;
we had a wonderful life after that with a new Dad;
I may even be able to forgive and thank my Dad for loving us so much to leave us and let us have a better life;
my Dad left us to let us have a wonderful life and we did;
I am grateful to my Dad for leaving us;
my Dad loved me enough to leave me.
Sally was smiling now and when I asked her to say out loud, “My Dad abandoned me” and to rate it out of 10, she said it and smiled and said “My Dad abandoned me” and then she said my Dad left me because he loved me and I feel no abandonment or sadness or worthlessness. In fact, I forgive him for leaving and I’m grateful for the great life we were able to have because he had gone.(cognitive shift).
I asked her to tune into the memory again (and close her eyes) of her Dad leaving her and saying Goodbye and him driving off and to see if the charge went up at all. She said that it didn’t. I then asked her to tune into her husband leaving and to rate feelings of abandonment, sadness and worthlessness. She said that she couldn’t feel any of them. I asked her to say out loud, “My husband left me and he said that he didn’t love me”. She did so and smiled and said that he left me and that’s all, she had 1/10 sadness but that’s all. We did a further few rounds on looking forward to an exciting life now that she was clear to have love in her life again as her x-husband had provided a clearing for her to now have. She tapped that she was grateful for the love that they had shared in the past and for the 2 great children they had had together and that now she was free to look forward to someone new coming into her life just as a really great, new Dad had come into her life after her Dad had left.
After these last few rounds of tapping, she was yawning and couldn’t get the smile off her face. (Big shifts from when she had come in).
I let her know that if other memories or feelings came up during the week (I described peeling the onion layers and ‘aspects’) at home before our next session, to tap on the feelings and memories as homework and that next week we would have a Matrix Re-imprinting session for her 5 year old Echo (I explained about Matrix Re-imprinting) and she left smiling, feeling empowered and looking forward to our next session.
How to use EFT Tapping for Divorce Recovery
Dear EFT Community,
EFT trainer, Rob Nelson writes us with a short case history on how he utilized EFT to help a woman release her anger at her husband at his declaration of divorce. The anger dissipates quickly, but Rob continues to work with the client to address possible future issues.
By Rob Nelson
“Mary” came to me a few weeks after her husband had suddenly declared their marriage over, and moved out.
She hadn’t seen this coming, even though he’d become increasingly distant over the last year or so.
Now, she’d discovered he’d been having an affair with a younger woman.
On the phone, Mary had told me she was afraid she’d never be able to trust another man, and that was why she was coming to see me.
Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to work with a number of clients struggling with painful break ups.
I say “lucky” because there is a moment in one’s life where tremendous growth can occur, and EFT has come through every time. Even though the pain and distress are overwhelming at first, the recovery process is usually swift, exciting and very satisfying.
When Mary showed up, she was awash in painful emotions, and declared herself a “17” on our ten point scale.
Anger and betrayal were top of her list, but cleared right away with fairly straightforward tapping:
“Even though I have this anger…”
“Even though he lied to me, and made it seem all my fault…”
“Even though I didn’t see it coming…”
Once this anger was mostly discharged, a much deeper layer of hurt was exposed. This came as a surprise to Mary. She’d been using her anger to keep the focus on her ex and away from these more difficult feelings.
As we tapped on “this hurt” it became clear how much these feelings were tied to feeling inadequate, unlovable and always to blame. They extended into her past, far beyond the divorce trauma.
We spent the rest of this first session tapping away these hurt feelings and by the end Mary was actually laughing. She felt vastly better, and even though she was mystified as to how it had happened, she really didn’t care.
It would have been tempting to stop right there, and call it good, but in my experience there are two more important layers to deal with. Mary was happy to come back for “round two.”
When Mary returned she was still feeling much better, but although she was no longer drowning in raw emotion, she still couldn’t get her mind off of the circumstances leading up to her break up, and especially her ex (the last person on earth she wanted to be thinking about). Addressing this kind of compulsive thinking is the next step.
Luckily, because these thoughts are recurring and relentless, it doesn’t take much detective work to find them. In Mary’s case, she was stuck on all the ways her husband had blamed her for his infidelity.
We tapped on:
“Even though he blames me and that’s totally unfair…”
“Even though part of me is worried that I wasn’t good enough in bed…”
“Even though he chose a much younger woman to boost his ego, because he’s afraid of getting older, he had the nerve to put it all on me…”
Some folks have a lot of these obsessive thoughts, and it can take a session or two to clear them. They often seem linked to long held relationship patterns. I believe this is one of the great opportunities of the divorce recovery—it sets the stage for replacing these old patterns and emotional baggage with fresh insights. This can be very exciting!
As the weight of the past is released, our focus tends to shift to the future. After all of that pain and trauma, starting over can be a terrifying prospect, so here is our “round three.”
I’ve noticed that many clients want to swear off all relationships forever.
Our tapping will focus on “my past is not my future.”
“Even though I NEVER want to go through that again…”
“Even though I’ve made a solemn vow to protect myself…”
“Even though (my ex) got in under my radar, and I must not be a very good judge of character and how can I trust myself to choose wisely next time…”
On one hand, some clients feel so desperately lonely they will “rebound,” replacing their ex with all possible speed. This was Mary’s situation. She’d reconnected with an old high school flame just before we began working together. As she became stronger, more centred and self-assured, Mary saw that her new beau was very needy and taking up way too much of her time and energy. That was okay at first, when Mary was just as needy herself and wanted distraction.
Now it was another problem to tap about.
“Even though “Jim” is taking up all of my time and energy and I really deserve and want better for myself, I’m afraid of being alone. But I choose to love and accept myself anyway, and I forgive myself rushing into this relationship…”
“Even though I may have to let him go and be on my own for a while, I am stronger now and know I can handle it…”
In just a few weeks, Mary was able to transform the agony of her divorce into new strength, freedom and excitement to live a much happier life. This is the magic of EFT tapping for divorce recovery.