In August 1993 my brain underwent severe trauma via an electrical accident. My body died. However, I was given a choice to return (it is called near-death experience).
Some of the symptoms were:
2. Many previous blocked traumas were unblocked. (I thought I was living in another world e.g. Hell, for at least the first year).
3. Dyslexia (not previously present) and a sense of being autistic at times.
4. Complete unrecognition of previously known things, especially any technology.
5. Challenged in my thinking, especially how to put things together e.g. to make a cup of tea ... hot water, spoon, and ? what else? The frustration was immense.
6. Also inability to think of things, e.g. to find a phone number, I was unable to think to use a phone book.
7. Difficulty remembering beyond the present moment.
8. Communication was very hard, especially with sentence construction.
9. Frequent brain stops; where any thought process is shorted out or erased.
10. Forgetfulness /short term memory
11. Increased PTSD, if that's possible.
12. Severe and complicated phobia of electricity.
The results were similar to what I imagine a stroke would create, (having to relearn basic thinking processes, etc.) except it would happen in waves; and I could walk and talk. At that early stage I was only aware that the electrical accident had given me dyslexia. The rest of the symptoms were a normal part of my reality. I didn't know then, they were 'problems' that I could correct or erase.
Gradually, some symptoms lessened or I learned to live with them.
Every counselor I tried held an absolute disbelief that I had died, hence we did not investigate the possibility of damage to the brain. Neither was I believed about the traumas now unblocked. There were so many new, clear memories that I was written off as a nutcase (I thank God the asylums were full). Years later I was told, "We thought you were psychotic." (I'm sure that's how I must have appeared).
My life maintained increasing difficulty in many ways until I found EFT in 2005.
EFT tapping was instantly the answer for me. I used it daily for 6 months (and still do). The move forward in my life was incredible. I was tapping on emotional, mental and physical issues. For the first time (seemingly) I had the capacity to use my brain to think, to question, to reason; it was unbelievable! My multitude of substance sensitivities began to take holidays and I developed a capacity to work full time and be productive in society.
People no longer instantly categorize me as 'idiot' which I guess, in ways, I have been on occasions. Further, my choices and associations are vastly improved. Today I can easily pass myself off as an educated adult, even at times intelligent.
The healing has been immense, because I was so far down.
The electricity phobia has been tackled with EFT. I tapped on unraveling of traumas from childhood onward.
The dyslexia has mostly vanished. Surprisingly, I've been finding generational traumas connected to this.
I'm allowing myself to be totally present with whatever is and anything unresolved--any residual lack of forgiveness within myself is now surfacing to be cleared.
PERSISTENCE is key!
Near Death Experience - 'The day I Woke Up'.
I turned off the industrial floor sander at the switch by my thumb, sighing aahh with relief, from having finished the floors safely. The widest smile broke through the sawdust on my face like sunlight in a dark forest. It's over! Goodbye to the noise, dust, aching shoulders, the vibration, those ugly dirty floorboards - gone.
The whining monster of a machine was slowly grinding its thick belt to a halt. Triumphantly I pushed the big sander toward the bulk of its chord to be packed up. It had to be back at the rental place before the shop opened. From side to side my head shook in disbelief as I laughed through clogged nostrils. What a relief!
My dry, irritating thirst became overwhelming as I noticed the power lead had slid a centimeter under the belly of the heavy metal machine. For safety, I cautiously lay the floor sander on its back in order to move the power chord out of its reach. From a crouched position; as if this were any other moment, I flicked my middle finger to bring the chord toward me.
Instantaneously my fingers-hand-arm gripped stinging jolting live power that flung my jaw wide open. One long piercing cry poured out from my depths. Watering eyes near blew from their sockets as the force willingly contracted my free hand onto the other hidden cut wire in the chord. Fear stampeded its way into my soul... I could not let go!
Electricity savagely thumped its path into my left hand, through my heart, down to my right fingers, racing back and forth a zillion harrowing times a second. Two hundred and forty volts ravaged the entirety of my body from the inside out, relentlessly smashing me like kicks from a thousand horses' hooves, over and over kicking and kicking and splitting me.
Excruciating tortuous agony invited terror in full force to consume me. I was losing my mind. Every drop of my body tasted the nightmare, each muscle contracted as power forced its charge into my toes and back, racing furiously to meet more electrical watts speeding horizontally within my captured body.
In desperation my mind thrust air deep into my stomach as my whole body shook like the ground through a major earthquake. Soul piercing screams invaded my ears with distressing, daunting fear. Only my eyeballs could move. They searched and pleaded for sanity or another human being to cut the power switch at the wall.
There was no one to help me. Time stilled to forever.
Like vultures, panic, terror and torture ate at me. Tears endlessly poured over my cheeks and flew off almost horizontally from my squat position. I knew my mind was near lost and death within reach. My pathetically helpless, howling, physical body allowed the current to violate me.
Gripping on life, my inner breath continually thrust itself through the dying screams into my shuddering body. Overwhelmingly I was inspired to acknowledge the emotion devouring me. "THIS IS FEAR" I stated firmly in my mind, hearing the words clearly and without interference. As readily as the fear had come upon me, the fear vanished. Penetrating screams suddenly ceased to deafen me. As if in meditation, I focused on pushing the breath inward, outward, through the pulsating power that was killing me.
Innocently I knew I was dying, that even if someone turned up now, they could not help me to die. I realised this is truly one thing that no other human can help us with. I had to die all on my own; separate from being physically alone. Yes all on my own- something each and every one of us must do.
Death; my God-given GIFT, in this moment; belongs to me.
I was unafraid. My body became accustomed to the endless torment. Like black clouds vacuumed from a blue sky, my mind cleared. I thought for an instant over my life, while still looking from my physical eyes through the house, to the back door. Still... no one was coming. "My cigarettes!" I was prepared to let them go, even relieved, and the tortuous throbbing softened.
A tingling sensation moved my awareness to my back, below my neck, where I felt myself moving up and out, maybe from a vertebra, feeling as though I were being released from prison. I experienced total peace and complete freedom from pain - of more than the physical pain I had endured. I didn't realise until leaving my body, how much pain I was suffering, simply by being locked inside it.
Immediately I was aware my mind and body were separate. That was fantastic! I had once thought that being in my body was all there is. I experienced ultimate relief, feeling as though I were a 'Genie in a bottle' that had escaped as a gas through an opening. I began dissipating, expanding, my mind increased in awareness. It was a beautiful, free, satisfying and everlasting feeling.
Blissfully I was now sitting up in the roof, watching, enjoying. I observed all of my house, the surrounding land and my physical self bent over the chord attached to the sander. Nothing moved me or seemed unusual, I could hear no sound except my thoughts.
I became more expanded, more clear-minded as I rose above the house like a hot air balloon, seeing all near and far. I felt All; Everything; like being expansion, being love, consciousness. A completely euphoric experience.
As I felt close to the Spirits (that means so much; another story) I was unquestionably safe, directed, loved. And completely 'part of' and knew I had come HOME. There was connection and communication through mind like telepathy and knowing. I was there forever.
Then there was like a 'second death'? It was a letting go, again, further, into something different. It was formlessness. I was becoming a being of infinite atoms, maybe coloured or black and white as on a TV screen tuned to a channel that has ceased transmitting.
Somehow (my) spirit was seeing. I was aware of the physical self and all that was happening around its world as though looking through a microscope into a grain of sand, but from being more than the size of a universe. At the same moment I was seeing what was happening with my spirit. It was different from the way one would look through the physical body.
Seeing by my spirit was similar to feeling, yet more like knowing; being. I experienced a uniting, as though my mind was a drop of water - that drop became one with the oceans. The feeling- knowing-awareness of this, was 'THIS IS REAL'. Life as I had known it, was me dreaming.
Then I was seeing - as in a dream - the physical me and all that was happening around me. It was as though I were asleep dreaming, while consciously being in the dream. My spirit continued expanding while observing all of this as though in outer space. There are no words to express another dimension, for that we must BE to KNOW.
Continually expanding in timelessness, I was blissfully being united with 'all of me'. Then instantly--
I WOKE UP!
I awoke from my dream.
DEATH IS AN AWAKENING.
I knew my entire being had been impressed with choice. I knew I could choose and there was one voice. There was a joining and my purpose given.
Looking far into the 'atoms' - as though I were deep space - I watched my entire physical life (almost as though it were on a video; the screen could have been a 'distant planet'). I observed everything in my life without judgment. At the end of my life, when I saw my house, myself and my 'death', I realised I had not finished building my house.
Fully aware of the Spirits, I said (in the same manner I would normally have thought aloud in my mind) "I want to live! Please help me to live! Please be with me!" And I knew I was dead and in no pain.
Abruptly all was pure blackness, my consciousness still with me, as a vicious force threw me from the eternal 'world'. Like being struck by lightning, I was hurled back toward the body from a great height, instantaneously in touch with my Godly-aware mind.
My physical self was also being thrown, about to land right shoulder first onto the veranda floor. I watched this as my spirit was entering the body through the chest (heart Chakra) area.
The physical body and I thumped the floorboards beside the sander with a jolting force. Instinctively I knew to get away from that machine, scrambling like an injured lizard to move the body about two meters. The mass of flesh and blood pulsating with electrical current was excessively convulsing. My mind tried forcing it to deep breathe.
It began breathing! Knowing that 'I' (my mind) was all right, I began to tune into the body which definitely needed help. It continued zapping while I forced air deep into its abdomen in an attempt to ease the shuddering. I lay the human form on its stomach, placing its head to one side - much like a puppeteer would care for her puppet.
Through thunderous screaming breaths my mind thought "I need help, must get to some help". Strangely, the consciousness that thought this, was exactly the same as before coming into this physical form.
Knowing where to go for help, I moved the body a further four meters to the ladder, with the aid of its head, forearms and knees. Like a sausage on a hot plate the body sizzled, it felt like pockets of flesh and skin would spew open to let the insides out for relief. Intense tormented breaths exploded outward as the ladder absorbed the bumping of the limp body still infected with the electrical currents furiously pouring through it. I wondered why since it was no longer paralysed onto the cut power lead.
Maybe I walked after I slumped to the ground. I'm not sure. Here I began trying to comprehend past and present and "what is happening to me"? I felt like I had held onto the power for about an hour. Before that, I was turning off the sander, so I could pack it up and "I need help! Must get to some help". I guess I was delirious getting myself to the road as I barely remember that 40 meter journey; just a glimpse of the girl who once was...
The next memory is on the way to a neighbour's - a further 50 meters down the road. It was as though a huge hand was holding the/my body around the waist keeping it upright and walking it as though it was a puppet. I could still feel the electricity shooting within the body!
I was seeing through the physical eyes, yet perceiving by my spirit. A car was coming down the road behind me. I knew it was a woman driving. Without turning my head, desperate to flag her down, to make her stop, I roared at her in my mind, "help me, I need help, I've been electrocuted", while something walked the shaky legs and the body bellowed its agony. As the car moved past without stopping, I physically observed the woman driving. My mind raced forward the remaining 50 meters to Peter and Katie's front door. Howling through each agonising step I wondered if I would fall to the ground.
I observed Kev and Dianne's tall front stairs and though it was closer, I knew I could not make it up there, so I locked my sight onto Katie's front door. The body's cries and footsteps continued until it collapsed, then my mind dragged the hapless body toward the closed door to summon help.
Horrific base bellowing summoned Peter and Katie impulsively from morning sleep to their front door. Two sets of bare feet hurried to greet the wailing body as the door flung open. As Peter bent to pick me up I lunged backward. "Don't touch me", I shrieked, somehow believing he would be zapped on contact. Miraculously, through the moaning, I managed to blurt out "I've been electrocuted!"
Heroic Katie, keys in hand paced her way to the car. Her words came calm and insistent, "Hospital says wrap her in a blanket and get her down there. Peter! Put her in the car". The next door neighbour Kev, (safety officer from the pistol club) appeared and barked "Call an ambulance"! I yelled "The power, turn the power off, the power's got to be turned off". As he approached I protested "I'm not in the ambulance" (fund) then screeched at him "Don't touch me"!
Kev's wife Dianne and their two children were standing on their high steps staring at me on the ground. Dianne babbled "We heard something but the kids were crying and anyway we thought it was coming from the bush". I felt anger! Fury swept through me. She was saying that, she was standing there watching me; she heard my dying screams! The wrath I felt eased my body of its excruciating, stabbing throbs.
Katie halted her reversing car beside me, with the door swung open. "Are you cold?" Katie's compassionate voice inquired. "I don't think so", come my first normal reply, as I looked down at the body I was in with child-like curiosity.
Kev, beginning to run up the road called "I'll go turn the power off", (good safety officer). Peter neared to lift me from the grass while I yelled, "Don't touch anything" and Dianne and her boys stared at me; they just kept staring. Peter moved me into the car, I was terrified...The METAL! I couldn't touch the seat belt buckle; it was all too much...
So I um... tried to roll a cigarette. I did not notice my hands burning (yet) only that they were not the same. I concentrated every ounce of me into making this shit-rolled cigarette. In panic I realised I had to touch the metal on the lighter... so I did! Relief, arrgghh groan. I lit the lighter again for my rollie, then studied the metal on the seat belt. "Too big metal, I am not touching it"!
Katie flew her car above the road to the hospital. I could not smoke my rollie or it went out. I remember putting it in my pocket feeling so, so grateful that I had my hat on and to be arriving at the hospital. Grateful too, for the existence of the hospital, somehow like I had conjured it up in my dream.
There was a special awareness floating around me of being spirit and being inside this body, yet not the body, aware of its pain, yet not the pain, aware of the 'death' that is really life and aware that this is all just a dream. Bliss and pain were somehow fused yet separate and I was in love with my breath.
Katie guided me to a hospital seat where I lay straight down still groaning. As she left to move the car and the nurse helped me to the bed, I had feelings similar to earth tremors constantly moving through my body. One nurse hooked the body up to a machine, another appeared through the oxygen mask being fitted to my face. I was sure they would give me a needle. During the blood pressure reading the body began having seizures. A leg or other parts of body would radically throw themselves without me telling them to. Then...
"Breathe this, it is oxygen," demanded the nurse.
"Call the doctor in", urged the other voice to someone standing near.
I did not trust that people in hospitals know what they're on about, so I asked the oxygen nurse, "What will it do to me"? I was incapable of taking off the mask, but held it out from my face. Horrified, the woman answered " I don't know what it will do but you could have heart failure and might die without it".
So I breathed the oxygen realising 'this is serious' and controlled how deeply I breathed. My intuition knew not too much too quickly but my head and body began to spin ever more and I slumped into the mattress yowling ooohhh aaaaahh yaagghhh.
As the nurse asked me to be quiet for something on the machine, I held my breath in its buzzing cage. Suddenly the blood pressure bag on my arm pumped up. Panic set in! It triggered off fearful wails as I thought I was being electrocuted again.
"Is it normal, is my reading normal?" I pleaded with the busy nurse. "Everything's normal" her words echoed in my head as I dropped back onto the bed, scared, relieved, breathing, ooahh-aah-ing. The sister at the door called "Keep the noise down". I knew she didn't mean it.
People were fussing around the body, I couldn't comprehend what was happening. No one connected with me. It was very strange how the people dealt only with flesh. It was as though they couldn't see me inside the body. "These are not real people", I thought. This was the first inkling I had, that the world had changed.
Next, my teeth began chattering hard and fast as though my jaw was going to skewer itself through my eyeballs. I could barely see the curtain around the bed and there was no one in there with me. My filthy hat was still on my head, my face caked in sawdust and I was freezing. I stared at the dirt and sawdust over the sheet and the rubber-soled shoe by my knee. Attempts to remove the other shoe left me reduced and even more helpless.
Eventually I was draped in one or two blankets, I wished it were twenty! Blood pressure again- a nurse warned me this time. Where's the needle? They didn't give me a needle. Realising this flooded happiness through my pain.
Two nurses later informed me that the doctor would know where or if the power came out, by the melt-holes left in my hands. I think this had something to do with my heart. When the Doctor finally did arrive she asked for the nurses' advice. Bloody hell! Do they know what they're doing?
Gradually my teeth settled to a jjjrrr clack-clang although the cold continued to bite at me. When the body was unplugged from the heart machine I was astounded to know they had put all those suckers on my skin. Maybe they did give me a needle I didn't know about?
A silent nurse hastily wheeled me in a chair to the ward. I loved the ride like a little girl on her first merry-go-round . Nurse silent yet impatient, left my shaky legs holding my body up beside the tall bed and swiftly removed my fun (wheelchair) from the room. She left me and my deathly thirst standing unquenched. My hand in pocket pulled out my rollie and believing I could walk normally, I staggered to the door a meter away and fell into a chair. Bandaged thumbs and fingers tried to light that shit-rolled cigarette. I could not light the next one either but tried to smoke it anyway.
"God! I am thirsty as a desert". My arms and legs helped me to battle across the floor to the bathroom like a tortoise, under the curious eyes of three women rigidly sitting in monstrous beds. After heaving my body onto the toilet bowl for relief, the busy nurse of silence appeared to help me. She cursed as she carried me to and put me in the bed this time.
I was exhausted, mindless; alive.