Use EFT when you are afraid to speak up
I recently ran a few teleclasses titled “Reclaiming Your Power.” This was in response to the conversations I’ve been having with women over the past year and how so many of us have given our power away so easily. This is usually because we have trouble speaking up for ourselves, asking for what we want as well as having the courage to say no without feeling guilty.
Part of this is because of the need to be perfect women, mothers, wives, etc. This stems from how we were raised and what was expected of our own mothers, and from society’s expectations of us. This may not seem as crucial an issue as others that have been written up in your newsletter, but it’s more of an epidemic than many people are aware of.
The biggest lesson in this is that if you are faced with a situation where you need to speak up, but know your core issues are keeping you from doing so, just tap anyway. You may not have much time and may not know if you can get to the core issues, but you may also surprise yourself. It’s ALWAYS worth tapping for any situation, any time.
First of all, there’s what I call the “good girl” syndrome. Many of us were raised by parents who taught us that we were meant to be seen and not heard. Also, it wasn’t permissible to speak up for ourselves, to explain our actions or opinions. We were told to be a good girl and be quiet. And sometimes, when we did find the courage to say something, we may have been ridiculed or punished for expressing ourselves. This, unfortunately, was a pattern that did not allow us to learn how to safely speak up for ourselves; a pattern that is often carried into adulthood.
Having been taught by previous generations that they shouldn’t be selfish and that they should always think of others first, many mothers were self-less and took great care of everyone else, but didn’t take of themselves. There didn’t seem to be a way to find a balance between taking care of others and taking care of themselves. (These mothers thought this way because of the way they were raised, which was their own writing on the walls.)
Additionally, there are the all-important fears that if we say no to someone or something, we won’t be liked or will be thought of as selfish So we often say yes out of a need to be liked, a need to gain approval of others. But this comes at the sacrifice of doing something else, something we would rather have done, such as spending time with our own family.
So many people, particularly baby boomers and older, have had a hard time speaking up for themselves, asking for what they want, both in business and personal areas. They weren’t taught how to express themselves in a non-confrontational way. As a result, these people often harbor resentment and anger, which if left unchecked, can lead to lack of self-confidence or worse, to serious illnesses.
When these emotions are allowed to fester, it’s very difficult for people to believe there could be a compromise and that they can ask for and get what they want. But when you start tapping on these issues, the most amazing thing happens - the act of tapping can help rid us of our feelings of hopelessness and discouragement and open up possibilities of compromises that we didn’t believe were attainable.
During my recent “Reclaiming Your Power” teleclass, I started off with the following tapping script for the group. This was to try and cover as many of the core issues just mentioned.
Even though I’m afraid to speak up, because I remember what happened the last time I spoke up, I choose to believe I have enough courage and bravery to speak up for myself because I’m not being selfish.
Even though when I speak up she treats me rudely, what if it’s not about me? What if she treats everyone this way?
Even though she may be upset with me by this decision and by my willingness to speak up, I choose to remember that she’ll get over this eventually. And I’m doing what is best for me and everybody involved in this situation, whether they like it or not.
Even though I’m afraid by speaking up they won’t like me, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself and choose to know that’s what matters.
I’m afraid of what might happen if I speak up.
She might not like me if I speak up.
They won’t understand my decision.
They are so used to getting what they want.
And I’ve always given them what they wanted.
Even at the point of sacrificing what is best for me.
I’ve always given so much of myself.
I’ve always given 110% of myself to everyone else.
But if I give 110% of myself to everyone else, what’s left over for me?
Not a whole lot and I want to start changing that.
I need to remember the emotional oxygen mask.
When you are in an airplane and the oxygen mask drops.
They tell you to put that on yourself first.
Whereas my instinct is always to put it on my children first.
But what I need to do with my own life.
Is to take care of my own emotional needs first.
And that way I’ll be so much stronger and able to take care of others.
Hence I need to put on my own emotional oxygen mask first.
I choose to accept my beliefs and decisions.
It is safe for me to speak up.
I deserve to have a voice.
I deserve to have an opinion.
I accept myself and my voice completely.
One of the participants was an incredibly sweet woman named Carolyn. She was struggling with issues of guilt, anger and resentment. Over the years, her parents made her feel guilty and were, what she called, manipulative guilt-driven. She also resented her husband for insisting that she visit his kids in another state. She didn’t want to visit anyone anymore because she HAD to. She only wanted to say yes when she wanted to, not because she HAD to.
On the subject of her parents, when we started the call, she was at a 6 and went down to a 3 after the group tapping. On the resentment towards her husband and his children, she started at a 7 and went down to a 5. She asked to do some one-on-one tapping on the issue of her husband and his kids, as that was the most pressing issue.
Carolyn’s husband wanted to visit his kids between Christmas and New Year’s. But they normally work that week as it’s a very productive time for their business. Her husband didn’t want to work then and because he felt guilty about having left the kids at a young age when he divorced their mother, he wanted to make up for lost time. Carolyn’s resentment for visiting the kids at this time was at 9 on a scale of 0 to 10. So we started tapping.
Even though I don’t want to go back to South Dakota at Christmas during that Christmas week, because I feel like we ALWAYS have to go visit them, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself and my feelings.
Even though I resent that there are all of these obligations, when Christmas is supposed to be about relaxing, I choose to know that if I decide to go to South Dakota, during the Christmas week, I will reward myself in a very special way.
Even though I resent my husband for always wanting me to go visit his kids…
I resent my husband.
I resent him.
We have all of these obligations.
Why do we always have to travel everywhere to visit everyone?
Why do we always have to spend so much time with them?
It’s very stressful for me to be around them.
And sometimes they resent that I married their father.
(Note - I stopped and checked in with Carolyn to see if this was true - she said yes)
And sometimes they don’t treat me the way I’d like to be treated.
They don’t treat me very well at all.
I married my husband because I loved him.
And I’m willing to take care of him as well.
There’s no reason why his kids should treat me this way … But no matter whom my husband would have married They would have treated that person the same way … There’s nothing I can do or say that would make them happy to be around me …
His kids just resent me but this is their issue … They’re the ones that are having this problem Why can’t they see how happy I make their father I’m working so hard to make their father happy
And I’ve never done anything to hurt them … I choose to know when they get upset with me that it’s because of their own unresolved issues
These are their issues … They need to do a lot of work themselves … Just because they are unhappy doesn’t mean they need to take it out on me
What if I could go to South Dakota and feel sorry for them … because they really have a lot of issues that are unresolved
My husband’s kids are so unhappy but that’s something that they need to deal with
I did not do anything to cause their unhappiness.
Even though my husband feels so guilty that he left these kids at an early age, he ’s trying to make up for time by spending all of this extra time with them and subjecting me to this time as well…
Even though my husband feels so guilty about not being around for his children, I choose to forgive him for including me in the package that’s trying to allow the kids to forgive him.
Even though my husband feels this guilt, I choose to know this is his guilt, and I’ll do anything to support him, however this is not about me.
My husband’s guilt
He feels so guilty about not being around for his kids but I don’t need to be there to help him make up for it
What if I could tell him that I support him but I don’t want to travel back to South Dakota … I need to take care of me for a change
Yet I support him for trying to re-establish the relationship with his kids … what if I stayed behind so that I wouldn’t get in the way … that would allow him more one-on-one time with the kids.
What if I could let go of this feeling of resentment?
I choose to try and let go of this resentment
I choose to love my husband and support him but I need to let go of this resentment towards him
I choose to believe in myself … I choose to believe I can come up with a great solution for us
I checked in with Carolyn and her level of intensity had gone down to zero on the resentment. Because of the time limitations of this teleclass, we were only able to tap together for about 20 minutes. The next day, here is the email I received from Carolyn:
"Last night David, my husband, and I talked for hours about the class, and how we can set boundaries and say no to Mom and Dad, how we create new friends, etc. and how I resented him for the kids. And for the first time, we were really able to talk, he understood what I was saying and we had a healing. I feel so much freer. SO YES, it was very beneficial” ~Carolyn
As a quick follow up, I just heard from Carolyn, 8 weeks after the teleclass. She said she and her husband tapped every night after the teleclass and came to a huge realization. They both were carrying “baggage” (her words) and had unrealistic expectations of what the other person was supposed to do for them. After tapping together, Carolyn’s husband told her for the first time in their 21 year marriage that Carolyn didn’t have to go to visit his children. She was welcome to, but didn’t have to. It took a huge burden off both of them. Carolyn did go, tapped while there, and had the best visit ever.
She also just came back from visiting her parents, who Carolyn thought were too demanding and manipulative of her, but after all of this tapping, she said she had her first guilt-free visit ever. She realized that guilt is man-made - or “Carolyn-made” as she put it. And whenever she started feeling any guilt, she’d tap, Even though this guilt is just Carolyn-made, I choose to release it and reclaim my power.”
In addition to the many other wonderful uses, let’s use EFT this New Year to help us speak up for ourselves in a non-confrontational, yet results-producing way.
With deepest gratitude,
Susanne Peach, EFT-ADV